This is Going to Hurt

This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.  It’s the internet, and we are all here for the fantasy, I know.  You might be mad at me for a while, but I have everyone’s best interests at heart.

Here it goes.

If you live in town, and see my cute farm photos, and go out and buy yourself a goat because you think they are cute and easy keepers, I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE WITH A SACK OF GOATS AND BLUDGEON YOU WITH IT.

“But I saw goats on the internet and it was AWESOME!” What you saw is a picture perfect moment caught in time.  You were spared the gory details because nobody wants to see that, and also nobody wants PETA to come light their house on fire.

The constant refrain out here on my farm is: “Another thing I will never Instagram.”

When not grazing on pasture surrounded by woven wire fencing as high as my eyeballs and electric net set to defibrillator, my goats live in an Alcatraz like lock down, with a multiple door exit system and panel nearly up to the ceiling.  They have destroyed more dollars of my property than I can quantify.  I have had my hands inside every possible entrance to a goat, including some that should not have existed.  I have had every possible goat secretion on my person, including some that should not have existed.  Sometimes it gets in my mouth.  They will hang themselves on fencing just to see how fast you can run.  They will paralyze themselves when you should be packing to catch that flight.  They will give birth on the coldest day of the year.  They introduce themselves to predators, and if you are lucky (or not) live to tell the tale.

Goats are considered the agents of satan for GOOD REASON.

However.  If you live on a FARM and have even a lick of applicable experience and a strong stomach, I will not only give you a baby goat starter package, but I am happy to talk about goats, goat problems and goat remedies, at almost any hour, until you beg for mercy.

(This also applies to sheep, chickens and feral children)._MG_3324_web

14 comments

  1. Jamie Purzol · June 18, 2015

    Well I cannot do the goats sadly, as no farm..sniff. however I just expanded the chicken coop and an working on another rabbit hutch! For being in town I am as farmesque as I can be!! And I swear I peed a little when I read about beating someone with a sack of goats!!!

  2. Anonymous · June 18, 2015

    I love it!!!! Keep it up.

  3. Jeff · June 18, 2015

    This is fantastic. I selfishly wish you wrote more, but clearly you’re kinda busy. :)

  4. Zayin · June 18, 2015

    AMEN AMEN AMEN.

    Keeping farm animals is a huge and all-encompassing responsibility. I’m no expert, but yeah, I have seen animals impale themselves on fences, tread on their own hooves and thereby splice them in half, and continue to run around at great speed with sharp objects embedded in their hearts. Animals seem to have different pain thresholds to humans–and by this I’m not saying they don’t feel pain!–they just feel it differently I think, possibly due to (literally) thicker skin. People who have never kept farm animals seem to think things like electric fences are cruel, but what gives me a nasty zap doesn’t even make my animals BLINK.

    The world is full of bleating vegans who have never so much as had their feet trodden on by a farm animal. Unless people have kept animals and KNOW the beasts, they deserve to be kicked off their soap-boxes of self-righteousness and trampled by a cow.

  5. hwl · June 18, 2015

    Meeps, not keeps. :\

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