The Love Machine

I am pleased to report Maggie no longer nurses during the day, from getting dressed to getting in pajamas.  She is also down to one or two nursing sessions at night (whenever she needs them).

I have gone from nursing this child, no exaggeration, sometimes upwards of a dozen little sips an hour, to twice a day.  Signficant weaning development.  Clearly our previous foray into night weaning was premature.  (Duh).

While I was really (really) ready for this in a lot of ways, today I realized just how NOT ready I was.  One word:

OXYTOCIN


A.K.A. The Love Drug.  A.K.A. That thing that was released every time Meeps or Bob gnawed at a nipple any time over the last, oh, four years.

I feel harder.  Less patient.  Less comfortable.  Less in love.

This is not enough to make me go back to nursing (hell, no).  But I was not expecting this.

This is feeling, it is familiar.  It’s how I used to feel in the years B.C.  (Before Children).  Scott has graciously volunteered to work on his latch, and not to fuss for night feedings.  He says he has my best interests in mind and “would do that for you, honey.”  Isn’t he just a sweetheart.  It’s not a solution.  I don’t know quite what is, perhaps some EPO, cohosh, yam combo to start with.  Something.  Anything to help get the balance back.  Because you can’t bottle LOVE.

:(

Oh, Oxytocin.  I really miss you.


15 comments

  1. danielle · March 17, 2010

    i have definitely been having this issue too. while zoey still nurses periodically, my body and brain are blocking the flow until the new baby is ready to come. we watch a lot of movies right now so that i dont freak, i am really looking forward to having that rush again. i need all the help i can get.
    hope you find something that works, please post about it if you do.

  2. Caitlin · March 17, 2010

    Miss Meeps must be feeling much better since I visited, I am guessing. I wish I lived closer to you, I really do.

  3. Hayley · March 17, 2010

    oh Ashley, not an easy feeling to be dealing with but I know exactly what you mean. And as busy as you are you will need some you time (as cliche as it may sound). Thanks again for your hospitality on Tuesday! Shoot me an email if you like :)

  4. Jessica · March 17, 2010

    Ooh, oxytocin sounds like fun!

  5. Allie · March 17, 2010

    I can’t even imagine how you feel sans oxytocin, though I am glad to hear you were finally able to transition Meeps away from you relatively pain free. When I read your earlier struggles I prepared myself to breastfeed Samson straight through college to avoid the screaming (he’s a many many tiny sucks an hour kind of guy).

  6. Gillian · March 17, 2010

    What a ballsy entry. I mean that in the nicest of ways… it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and be like, “hey, this kind of sucks now, and I may not like my kids as much” because of it.

    I didn’t notice a change in my feelings once Ash stopped nursing during the day (and almost at night), but it took me a LONG time to get over the addiction of the oxy release at night so that I could fall asleep without it. I could LITERALLY FEEL it washing over my body.

  7. rebecca · March 17, 2010

    hahaha! how selfless of scott!

  8. Jovanka · March 17, 2010

    This makes a lot of sense, but I know that doesn’t help make it any easier. Coming off any drug is bound to be hard. Be kind to yourself. I’m sure it will pass, honey.

  9. Ro · March 17, 2010

    It’s springtime……..soon you will be getting so busy and active the endorphins will kick in and you’ll feel much better! I hope! Try think positively and do dwell on the *good* things about this development.

  10. diane · March 17, 2010
  11. Natalie · March 17, 2010

    What a strange contradiction of feelings you must be going through right now, I can only imagine what it must be like. I hope that in the few days that have passed since you posted this, you are feeling better, more balanced and more positive.

  12. Diane · March 17, 2010

    I checked out the website..verolabs. Has anyone actually tried this stuff?? Does it work?

  13. Priscilla · March 17, 2010

    Eh, I think Scott might have the solution, actually. Get it where you can, after all. Sexual stimulation raises oxytocin levels. :)

  14. Twwly · March 17, 2010

    Priscilla – yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking too. Sadly vacations with children are sexually void. :(

  15. sue · March 17, 2010

    Hey, I have been reading your blog for a little while now, and you seem to articulate so many things that I am going through with my kids, so much better then I ever could.
    Someone told me to take a B vitamin complex…often labeld as ‘stress formula’. It won’t fix it, but it sure does help. I take Sisu B Stress. I seriously will not skip a day.