Things have changed at home as of late, for the better. I cannot say my children are now angels, that they use water sparingly, that are always gentle with the cat and have ceased all teasing, tormenting and torture. But I can say we’ve had marked improvement. And we are all, without question, happier.
All of the parenting tricks I had been using (distraction, coercion, bait & switch, bribery, threats in various forms) were wearing me down. Don’t get me wrong, I still use some tricks (“one finger touching” is AWESOME, and when necessary “I’m going to count to FIVE and then I’d like you to do XYZ or I think I will have to come help you do XYZ”). But I am using less. Which is great. Because my relationship with my kids was getting a bit strained. I was feeling like a manipulative meanie.
The biggest shift: getting over obedience as a virtue. My kids don’t need to OBEY me. I am not god. I’m mom. Sure I hope they listen, but I hope they listen and act out of respect for me. I don’t want to raise cogs in the wheel, I want children who march to their own beat and can make decisions for themselves. I need to show them how to make those decisions, and taking a better look at discipline (which means to teach, NOT to dominate) has been thought provoking.
I am learning that parenting can sure push buttons. I know for me, it hits some niggling issues from my own childhood that can turn me from feeling like Peaceful Hippy Mama of Love and Patience to a Raging Blinded Bull Bitch. It is obviously entirely unfair, unnecessary and downright WRONG of me to react to my children out of anger, when it comes from such a place. Because it’s MY anger issue; it has NOTHING to do with them. I see the separation now, when I get angry. My anger is MINE, their behavior is something else. Which I need to act like an adult about and address. In a time when I am expecting my children to show some self control, it is especially prudent for ME to show some self control.
And which issues to address, is the next big thing. I’ve been taking “pick your battles” to the next level. I have been focusing with all of my might on leading by example, and with positivity. Sometimes I fail, terribly. But like something else I know…. it works when you work it.
The positivity thing is key. They are not entitled to take my happiness from me. Just like my anger, my happiness… IT’S MINE. Just because they are working out some sibling spat doesn’t mean my (deliciously orgasmic single source Ethiopian) coffee should be ruined. Unless there are knives, fire or an actual attempt at murder, I am not going to get upset.
I have just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Committed. It’s about marriage, not parenting. I’m getting side tracked. But one thing she mentioned was how the women of the “past” (when polled) reported that of their man, they expected things like honesty or decency. Modern women, when polled, expect their husbands to “inspire them”. Seriously. No wonder the divorce rate is what it is. The expectations are through the ROOF. (Anything less than sheer bliss baby, and I’m OUTTA HERE!) I am not mentioning this to say that I have, or I am recommending we all lower our expectations about marital happiness or parent/child relations… but a little perspective does not hurt.
One little example: instead of expecting my toddler to just jump in and pick up his toys (yeahfuckingright), I now get down there and help, right away, before the battle even begins. Even if I do MOST of the helping, kid is three. As I have read before, with a toddler, 90/10 compromise should be considered success.
The result of this shift? I’m happier. They’re happier. They hurt each other less. There is less “bombaloo”. I am still exhausted, but not because I feel like I am battling. Because you really can’t win a battle of the wills with a toddler who is (doing nothing wrong by) seeing where boundaries are.
I love this post
Our oldest kiddos are the same age and we are going through all of the exact same things (aside from sibling issues). It can be hard not to react out of anger. Especially at 8 months pregnant, not feeling great, a little stressed, less patient. I always, always try to think from his perspective.
We went to a birthday party at one of those bounce house places. The kids bounced around in those rooms for 2 hours +. They LOVED it. If it was me, at 30 years old, trying to bounce around…I would feel dizzy and sick. As silly as it sounds, this was a HUGE light bulb moment for me in realizing that our children’s brains are SO different from our adult brains. Everything, sensory perception, their views of the world, of danger and most certainly priorities. He really doesn’t give a hoot if his toys are picked up or not. I don’t really WANT to help him pick up his toys, but doing the work, having him help me and then having him happy with the positive praise is soooooo much better than me asking him to pick up his toys, him refusing and me getting angry.
At least he has learned to take his dishes to the sink when asked and knows the proper place to put his shoes when he takes them off. baby steps.
You are fantastic! I am so proud of you and the way you approach child-raising. Wish I had had some of your good sense and actions when raising your Mom and Auntie. Love and hugs
Just made more copies of our darlings, watching Seuss. Keep them coming.
Everytime i start to feel bad about my parenting abilities or the choices i’ve made i read your blog. Where i am, most treat their children as their possessions and like pets, not like people. So thanks.
That s whay i love reading your blog, whith my morning coffee
usualy ,
i feel the same in this days, Teresa is testing my mental health lol
i know is a phase, so many changes, the nursery school a new language new friends, moving again in a new flat, i know she need me more than ever
She is looking for my 200% attention, i try to give her, but you know sometimes you need do do things, like cooking, talk with someone or even going to bathroom.
i feeling so frustrate and useless when she act so bad, couse i know there is something that is hurting her or she could handle the situation.
thanks for your blog
love
chiara
I have often worked with parents who have this “you must obey me” attitude to their children and the worse the child’s behaviour became the harder they would push back with aggressive responses. My suggestion to these parents was always to ask themself ‘why the power struggle?’. If you are the adult, and s/he is the child there is absolutely no question of who is fundamentally in charge. Therefor, you should have no need of proving this through obeisance (of often minor tasks/battles).
Sometimes when you are in the situation it can be really hard to see how far into it you have gotten and that you have moved past your original objective of just helping them to learn to listen and respect etc. But you are right, sometimes just a little perspective helps us all to relax a bit.
If Ella picks up one block and I pick up 29, she still considers this ‘helping’ me to clean up. So, like you said, why push more when we have both done a part relative to our age/physicality and we both participated?
I am a mother terribly guilty of beating myself up over small things and letting them frustrate and anger me. I am working very hard these days to have some perspective there and ‘let go’ because the last thing I want is to impress this trait upon my daughter.
Congrats on your great leaps! Some relaxation over a few minutes of coffee can change the taste of your whole day!
this sure is timely for me. we’re spending time with the family right now and i can see how parenting is about attitude. decide to ENJOY your kids and you will. decide to be upset because they do not OBEY, and yes, you will be miserable. are you familiar with NVC? it’s so hard to do but so so awesome when it works. also, i like the daily groove by http://www.scottnoelle.com/
Awesome post Ashley! Should be required reading for all moms struggling with toddlers (and really, kids of all ages). Sometimes hearing another perspective is all we need to re-examine what our values are and true goal of parenting is and try to stay true to that – no matter how much you’re ready to throw in the towel and just say f- it! Thanks for such insight … are you sure you only have 3+ years of experience on this?
Fantastic post!
I, myself struggle with being a Raging Blinded Bull Bitch…any suggested reading to get me outta that mindset?
Great post mama <3
Cookie: Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids is nice. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk is also good. There are lots of little things in various books, but just trying to control myself and remember one of us has to be the adult has done wonders.
(Like when you see parents YELL at kids to “BE QUIET!” — are you kidding?)
Rebecca – I have peeked at Scott Noelle, but if I can’t take it out from the library, I’m not prone to reading it presently!
Laura – you nailed the power struggle thing head on.
Thanks everyone for the feedback!
Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while (love it!) but this is my first comment. It’s so refreshing to see an AP parenting blog! I jsut finished having a conversation with my mom about why I don’t agree with ‘time-outs’ so this particular post comes at a good time. I can especially relate to lowering expectations…the timeout talk I mentioned was about whether a 2 year old be in a time out for not exhibiting table manners?! Um, no. Holy high expectations! I’m with you – let’s raise this next generation to be free and think for themselves! Have you read The Idle Parent, or How to Be Free? They are brill!
I will add that to my reading list Jenn.
We don’t do time outs either. We do “take some time and join us again when you feel better” which he can do on the couch beside us or go to his room if he wants. The thing with child controlled “recharge time” is that they will take way longer than a “time out”. Bob will go to his room, lay on his bed, read a book… feel genuinely better and then re-join us. Sometimes he’s still a mess, but MOST of the time he just needed his own space.
*OR* I leave the situation, or give him a little bit of the ol’ cold shoulder. “I’ll play with you again when you can play nicer with me.” Which certainly mimics life more as a natural consequence — if you’re mean, people won’t want to play with you!
Yeah, I’m uaully the one leaving the situation until my daughter ‘regains her composure’. I find with us, if I ask her or suggest she leaves wherever she happens to be when a tantrum happens – she gets more upset. But you’re right, she almost always takes more time than the arbitrary 2 mins, or whatever. It’s crazy now that she is verbal. The other day, after something made her upset she told me she gets a feeling in her tummy that makes her cry – which I’m guessing is frustration?
Oh, another book I’m reading now that I am LOVING is Taking Back CHildhood…
There are a couple of things that helped me with my 2 and a half year old b/g twins. When it comes to tidying up – this was turning into the battle of wills and making me a total “raging blinded bull bitch” (tripping over crap everywhere makes me the worst kind of person) so there are a couple of things that helped.
1. Clean up one big play before the next ie. Train set with tracks has to be put away before we drag out the all your trucks etc. We are much more casual about books, or a few dollies but this is the rule of the BIG stuff and any craft projects
2. Make that clean up fun! I got a couple of different colour bins and attach letters, numbers or pictures to the outside. During clean up I get down on the floor with them and hand them the stuff that needs to be put away telling them “put this in the yellow bin” “this goes in the kitty cat bin” etc. I change the pictures often to keep it new. Now that the clean up is a game it isn’t a battle.
I am trying, not always successfully, to find solutions that we can all be happy with when I find myself resorting to barking orders. The one that I can’t seem to find a solution for other than time outs (I have tried what feels like everything) is my biting hitting slapping kicking aggressive daughter. She beats up her brother as well as both the cat and dog. To make sure that the ‘time out’ is recognized as serious I only use it for violent behaviour, explain why she is getting a time out and make her apologize to the victim. I also give her a chance to change her behaviour, if I see her getting aggressive or her arm goes back for a hit, I remind her that it leads to a time out. She is getting better……slowly…maybe?….but I do worry that we aren’t addressing why she gets violent, I know it is frustration (and how does a kid who has never been hit, never seen hitting, know how to hit?) just giving her what we call “consequences” Any advice?
And yes thanks for the great post Ash!
i’ll join in on the congrats for your recent success (woot!) and also chime in with a book recommendation. “You are your Child’s First Teacher” recommends some of the exact things you are doing.
it’s good to hear about what WORKS, especially when there is so much contrary advice out there. just last night i found a book written by a thai buddhist monk “Learn to love your Children the Right Way”. his recommendation? BEAT THEM into submission. ai yi yi.
we’ve all been so brainwashed by the idea of the bad, manipulative child that must be controlled at all costs. i hope that the children we are raising will go a long way towards creating a new paradigm.
keep up the awesome work of being a conscious mama!
i’ll join in on the congrats for your recent success (woot!) and also chime in with a book recommendation. “You are your Child’s First Teacher” recommends some of the exact things you are doing.
it’s good to hear about what WORKS, especially when there is so much contrary advice out there. just last night i found a book written by a thai buddhist monk “Learn to love your Children the Right Way”. his recommendation? BEAT THEM into submission. ai yi yi.
we’ve all been so brainwashed by the idea of the bad, manipulative child that must be controlled at all costs. i hope that the children we are raising will go a long way towards creating a new paradigm.
keep up the awesome work!
Oh! Also as a side note to making clean up time a group/fun activity…I LOVE Laurie Berkner’s “clean it up” song. It was taught to me by children I use to work with, and now I sing it with Ella. I may just be a sucker for a catchy work dirge, but it helps ME to enjoy tidying as well as Ella!
Wow I needed to read this today. I’ve been reading you for a while, don’t remember how I found you, but hello! My son’s two and a halfish, I have attachment/natural consequences leanings (and a Montessori school blessit), and garden (and goat!) aspirations. So sometimes you’re my coffee-break-at-work reading, thank you for writing.
And thank you especially for writing this. I’ve been fighting with myself about getting upset with my son – he pushes the “thou-shalt-nots” seriously hard when I’m home. I finally realized that my long days at school and work are just as hard on him as me, and we’re all learning to take “let’s go in our rooms and be angry” breaks (and do as much as possible together). That’s a thing I’ve requested of him ever since he was old enough to understand – “Ok dude, I know you’re mad, please go be angry in your room and come out when you’re calm.” Mostly he has a good reason to be upset, and hopefully it’s less of a “bad child time out” and more of a self-directed calming down time. I need to learn to use that rule myself.
And….Elizabeth Gilbert, yea? I just ordered the new book for work (a public library) and read it in a night. I still don’t know how I feel about it overall, but I got the same thing from it that you wrote about: what’s up with expecting the partner to be the other perfect half of self and make self whole? Lawd. We’re all people. So I’m glad she wrote it and glad it’s popular. (Have you read her biography of Eustace Conway? I live up the mountain a little ways from him – he plowed a local urban community garden with his horses. It’s one of the “Manly Men” books she refers to in her intro).
Have the clean-up difficulties with my son too (and my ADHD partner, they’re basically on the same level), and one thing I learned from the Montessori school was organization. Every item has a particular place, and you put it back before you get something else, and there’s a specific area for messy space-taking things like blocks and puzzles. It takes some oversight, but it’s much easier on our grown-up brains to keep up with that structure. Two toys out? Ok, clean up! And since everything has a specific home, I don’t have to think hard about where things go. Hurrah!
And thank you for being awesome.
it’s nice to see other mother’s struggle with parenting… I would be one of those mom’s yelling “be quiet!” and yelling some more…I have strapped a rubber band to my wrist and snapped it when I raise my voice. My kids are 7, 4, and 18mo… you dont know what kind of mama u are until ur neck deep in it and now I find myself struggling to correct bad habits that I no doubt learned from my predecessors. All I know is my kids only care how I am parenting them and I keep pushing on and aiming to improve…to raise confident, secure, loved, and happy children… Nobody is perfect. I have dubbed myself Perfectly Imperfect… I appreciate the honesty of saying…”yea, I kinda need to improve upon myself in this area” rather than trying to put off a Beaver Cleaver Mama persona and making other moms think they are the only ones with issues. LOL…thanx for the honesty!
You are such a huge inspiration to me. Thank you for putting it all out there for us to learn from.
I apologize if this sounds creepy, but God, I wish my parents were like you.
It just brightens my day to see a person actually caring about her children (quite rare where i come from).
Anyways, you’re an inspiration, as usual.
Thank you for sharing all this advice.
I hope that if I have kids one day, your blog will still be here.
Have a nice day, you’re amazing
oh great post. maybe its the fact our kids are the same age, but we just had a conversation that went like this over dinner. i think sometimes we are trying too hard to be here for our kids and get better schools, better foods, better toys, better everything. sometimes what we really need is let them be and be happy ourselves, they will follow. even without obeying.
best wishes for you guys. there will be cow pics on Flickr soon, our holidays were a blast, cows and chickens, huzzah!
Huzzah indeed!
[...] this other post is called Discipline and is a blog I’ve been following for a while. she was on the same tattoo social networking site I was on for years, and in fact we met briefly at the very first BME BBQ on December 31, 2000. she begins the post by talking about the discipline of her small children. that part of the post is awesome for those with kids or wanting them, but it’s this part that I really grabbed on to: [...]