I remember Bob was a “late talker”. I remember his refusal to do anything other than sign, or point in the general direction of a desired object and make a “wheep” noise like a guinea pig. I remember wishing for him to talk.
This was the conversation we had tonight before he fell asleep:
“Mommy, I don’t know how to fall asleep!”
“Just close your eyes and lay still. You’ll fall asleep.”
“I’m trying but I can’t!”
“I know. Try again, but for longer this time. I’m going to go to sleep now, Bob. I love you very much. Good night.”
“Fine. I don’t love you.”
I wish I could say it was the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
I am an only child. I am pretty inexperienced when it comes to all things sibling. So I have this question: is it normal for siblings to just harass and antagonize each other, ad nasueam? I mean, REALLY. Some days it seems like all they want to do is freak out the other one, or freak out about the other one. Bob will be sitting on the couch reading a book and up Mags comes out of nowhere and bites his foot, hard. Mags will be just standing in the middle of the room and Bob will walk right up to her unannounced and shove her to the ground. I am guessing it doesn’t get much better than this, only different.
Thankfully, they don’t break my heart all the time. Yesterday for instance, there was some spectacularly cute puddle jumping, along with playing with a plant pot in a puddle, with some galavanting through the garden, general extreme cuteness, both indoors and out.
siblings, in my experience, always-always-always have a love/hate relationship.
ps. that last picture of M on the phone looking like she’s cracking up is ADORABLE. OMG.
Yeah, it’s normal. I was raised an only child, but I actually have several siblings (long story) and those who were raised together had this antagonistic thing. The bright side of it is that they protect and defend one another against outsiders- it’s a sort of “no one can mess with my sibling but me” thing.
yes, it will be like that until they are well into their 20s. i have an older brother and 2 younger sisters and it’s just what happens, there is no real reason for it. my sister still intentionally provokes me and she is 24.
Yeah, siblings are just like that. Sometimes they love each other, sometimes they hate each other. I have a younger brother, and he still picks at me sometimes just to get a rise out of me (we’re in our mid and late 20s) . Hopefully they will love each other again soon.
in my experience (all nanny experience and participant observation by way of family-immersion of peers’ families- as i am an only as well) siblings will always be at each other…picking on, pestering, and generally annoying each other. my husband reiterates this when he shares about his childhood growing up one of three boys. i do not, however, have much guidance to offer other than: breathe, be patient, and use “tattling” as a teaching time for problem solving skills.
of should be “in” in first sentence.
Yeah, my boyfriend had to recently explain to me that siblings usually fight and argue with each other. I’m an only child too, and I had no idea that it was normal for him as a kid to get in fights with his younger sisters – usually they’d gang up on him, because he wasn’t allowed to fight back because he was bigger and the boy!
It’s not unheard of, for sure. I can’t count the amount of times me and my brother have just started wailing on one another… Like, out for blood, knock down, drag out fights. Usually only stopped when either a parent came home, or one of us got away long enough to lock ourselves in a room away from the other one.
As far as him saying awful things… I was a terrible child and I know for a fact that I’ve told my parents that I hated them both, numerous times. He’s a kid and he has no idea that the things he’s saying have real effect and can really hurt.
Best wishes.
I am the older than my brother and sister by six and nine years, respectively. I can remember watching them grow up together, inseperable, yet always at each other. They would fight constantly, and unprovoked attacks like the scenario you described were daily occurances. It sounds to me like you have happy, well-adjusted children who are growing up together and testing their limits.
Good luck!
Oh the stories I could tell…I am the oldest and have a younger sister and brother. I am 26 and looking back on the fights, we just laugh. The many times two of us ganged up on the other, the times one of us did something (like break the antique Christmas tree light decoration with a flying shoe….me) and tortured the other sibling into telling my mom some sort of line (often that one of the cats did it). What fun…
We have essentially “grown out of it” by now (my sister is 21 and my brother is 19), but who knows if we were all under the same roof for any length of time, we may just get back into pestering and prodding each other again.
I think it’s like Priscilla said “no one can mess with my sibling but me”! Anyone messes with one of them, here I come….
As for the “I don’t love you” bits, I don’t remember saying that to my parents, but I’ll have to ask my mom about that one. Hannah has never said that to me (yet, hopefully not ever!). You know, I think it’s a sign of his intelligence. He knows it is not a good thing to say to someone, he may notice he gets a rise out of you (maybe even just your facial expression before you hide the stinging heartache look), and it’s an “opposite” of what you said response. Also, I wonder if the “I don’t love you’s” are more common in boys vs. girls? I do hope this stage quickly passes for you. I would be bothered by it too.
The pictures are adorable as usual!! Is it really that warm that Maggie can wear boots, leg covers and jacket and stay warm enough?? I too like the last picture of her with the phone, too cute! She’s beautiful! And your handsome man too!
p.s. We are at the tail end of our “natural weaning” of Hannah (she turns three on Dec. 5th). It’s gone alright. I am sad it’s over, but happy to have my boobs back at night. It is a sad/rejoicing feeling no one but a breastfeeding mother can get.
~M~
Perfectly normal! My brother is 2.5 years older than me and we had fights every single day until the day he moved out to go to University. Literally from the day he moved out, we became great friends.
)
When we spend more than about 3 days with each other (like a Christmas when we both go and stay at our parents house) we start to wind each other up again, and it often ends up with us chasing each other around the house hitting each other until we just fall on the floor and laugh hysterically for about half an hour
As a mother of three – 2 boys and 1 girl, siblings are constantly fighting or playing. With two boys, it is like two roosters in a hen house, one has to be in charge. The girl just tries to boss everyone around. They do love each other and have their ‘partners in crime’ moments. Contrary to what my mother-in-law tells me about my hubby and his siblings, kids will fight!
I have 3 younger sisters and I can say the sibling relationship is truly unique. There were many, MANY scenarios like the ones you described growing up, and while we’re all grown now and all close, the verbal spats still happen. Siblings can make you angry like no one else, but you can have a relationship of friend, family, and confidant all in one with them. It’s perfectly normal.
I remember being a little kid and saying hurtful things to my parents in anger. I didn’t mean those words per se, because I certainly wasn’t angry enough to hate them or stop loving them, but I didn’t have the vocabulary or communication skills to express what I really meant or why I was angry. I had no clue how much those words could affect them.
It is perfectly normal, but…at least with my nieces, we’re very against the oldest (who is now 4) pushing, biting, hitting…doing anything blatantly violent to the younger (who is not quite 2) and vice versa of course. We tell her she’s the big sister and needs to watch out for Amelia, the younger, and that (violent behaviour) is never ok. Also seeing as you have an older boy/younger girl, I don’t feel that he should ever be shoving, pushing, hitting, biting, etc. her. She’s much smaller, and a girl. Not that I don’t think girls can defend themselves, just that he probably shouldn’t associate shoving as being something he can do to girls at any point in time.
I think its a bit different when the kids are older, say school age, but I do not feel its ok to teach the kids that fighting is fine because they are siblings but its not ok with other kids because they aren’t your sibling. I’ve never understood that difference.
I think my sister and I must have had a completely abnormal relationship, reading these stories. She’s 2.5 years older than me and from day one I have idolized her. Megan could walk so I figured out how, Megan could talk, I was an early talker. Ditto…everything else in life. I know we argued as teenagers (like when I’d borrow her clothes without asking, but fair enough) but I can truly only remember ONE fight. My mom might have a different version of events (like when we were really little) but I can remember thinking how awful it was that my best friend and her brother fought all the time!
Once Maggie’s more verbal, things will change again. And wait ’til the tattling starts, my GOD, we hear this when Ari has a friend over. I hate it, drives me around the bend because it’s mostly about really stupid stuff that they need to figure out together (and Ari and her nextdoor pal fight all the time which mostly ends in Cassie going home in a sulk).
Oh, and ps, Ari also says stuff about hating us. And I never EVER said that kind of thing (out loud!) when I was a kid. It’s awful and at the moment she says it it’s probably true, but luckily it’s not every day or even every week.
Siblings antagonizing each other is normal. I have two younger sisters and we did it easily into our 20s. I have to admit I still like pushing buttons and they do as well. Don’t worry about it. I was also fiercely protective of my sisters growing up and if anyone other than me hurt them there was hell to pay.
it’s boredom. lots of learning going on in pushing peoples buttons too.
My older brother made me cry nearly every day for my first 12 years. It only stopped when he hit puberty, then he couldn’t bear the sight of me.
As the oldest of eight, everything you’re describing sounds familiar to me. Now that all but two of us are grown, we’re all friends. It’s great! All the old hurts fade. If you can just push through, they’ll realize how awesome family is eventually. And they love you always- even if they’re professing their passionate hatred of you, the love is there.
Cuuuuuute pics! The three with the phone are my faves.
I’m still glad I’m an only child.
I love the last picture of Maggie making a face, minus a sock! Oh to be a kid again!
There are days where it requires a CROWBAR to pry mine off one another, however if anyone ELSE is mean to them…They are a force to be reckoned with…and I must say I’m glad to see that
OH MY GOSH. I am a long time lurker, first time commenter — Maggie’s outfit in these outdoor pics is just amazing. I loved your style already on IAM and now I love how you dress your little girl… she is gorgeous and I have always enjoyed reading about your family life, but I have to say that booties + high socks + babygro + scarlet jacket combo is to die for!
Oh the battles faught with my sibling and the love we share now can NOT be duplicated. Nothing quite like it. My sister once tried to convince me I was adopted, she stole my clothes, played tricks on me, gave me my first nephew, did my hair for my wedding, kept secrets, propped me up and kicked my butt when needed. That’s was sibs do.
Good thing you have one of each sex so the clothes borrowing/stealing from one another won’t drive you nuts when they are older.
All the pics are beautiful! I especially love the one pic of the kids on the couch. Bob’s little profile is ADORABLE!
That’s WHAT sibs do not WAS sibs do. JAYZUZ, I suck at speel checking.
My brother and I would frighten our parents’ friends with our fights. We would fist-fight until we were teenagers, but as soon as we went to college, we became best friends, and have remained that way ever since. We have an understanding no one else can touch. It’s all part of being a family.
My brother and I fought like cats and dogs all our lives – we still do (physically mainly) but have turned out to be the BEST of friends. He is my heart and soul and just had my initials put into one of his tattoos. I don’t know what I would do without him yet I am perfectly willing to scream and shout at him all day and kick him at least three times a day…..whilst laughing the whole time. Believe me, I would be more worried if my kids got on like saints all the time…..
I grew up with my cusins and and we used to tear three shadesof hell out of each other, i got off a bit lightly from it being the only girl but up until we were about 15 it was pretty mad!
Best of friends now though.
Have 2 sisters, one older one younger – I’m the middle child AKA the peacemaker.
I never liked the older one and the younger one turned into a harpy when our Mom died.
I don’t understand it at the best of times – our parents were dedicated to us and while we weren’t spoiled at all, my sisters have turned out to be 2 of my least favourite people ever, and therefore not in my life.
I certainly wasn’t perfect either.
Anyone who chooses to raise kids – I tip my hat to you. It is the ultimate labour of love, but no matter how good of a parent you are, kids will be kids and it’s a crapshoot at best – in my humble opinion.
They can be the most rewarding thing you’ll ever be involved with but they can also be a source of major disappointment.
Having said that, I never had kids.
My parents raised the bar pretty high and I don’t think I would measure up as a primary caregiver.
I love the last picture of Maggie. I love that she only has one sock, Luna does this ALL the time. We call her “One Shoe Luna”.
Yep, me and my brother fought all the time…for no reason.
But the upside is, now I love him and we are best friends. As they get older, it will get easier.
My mother and her sister are STILL competing and vying for my grandmother’s attention and they’re in their 50′s! Fairly silly. I was an only for 14 years so I find the whole thing quite puzzling but that’s not to say my sister doesn’t get on my nerves despite the gap. I really wish I’d had that dynamic earlier on though, it took me a long time to realize that having a disagreement or an argument didn’t mean the end of the world.
My older brother used to beat the crap out of me and I’d get him back every chance I got. It is normal but as cheesy as it sounds the talks my mom and gradfather would have with us about: friends will come and go but you two will always have each other really did help. As kid’s you don’t think about the fact that your siblining is someone who knows you better than most of your friends. The non forced easy going talks helped put things into perspective and made us appreciate each other. We still faught like dogs sometimes but the talks made the wars less frequent.
Wow, I really appreciate all of the input!
yeah, esmee and zoe antagonize each other all the time. actually, they’re in zoe’s room right now and all i hear is screams. it drives me nuts, especially since the age difference is so big and i really expect zoe to know better. but no, they’re still always at it. sigh.
and yeah, me and my brother were the same way.
These are spectacularly cute photos of your littles!!
There is a good book, that I am reading, have read, will read again called Siblings Without Rivalry.
I am a sibling, and remember the insane fighting, and also the fun. My daughters are all best friends, and then will be very mean to each other. An important thing that we are always doing is trying to teach them that they are not competing with each other…that everyone in this house is on the same team…it helps…because they compete over how many seconds longer one gets a hug, etc…it gets very trivial if left unchecked around here.
This has nothing to do with the topic up for discussion, but since you’re a farm wife, it made me think immediately of you. http://awfullibrarybooks.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/mrs-farmer-in-the-dell/
Love/Hate, always, and its worse when they’re older and accuse you of picking sides in random argument sessions they might have. It only lasts a couple minutes anyway. Its a form of competition, revenge and laughter. Builds “memories”, thats what my older brother used to say after he beat me up and wiped my tears.
Unfortunately it’s all too normal!! My son and daughter squabble and antagonize each other. However, they do often play very well together too. I have a book called “siblings without rivalry” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It’s full of good stuff. Very helpful I find. the kids are adorable by the way…………..
long time lurker here, forced to comment on the little boston terrier in the first photo. i thought your life was too adorable for words before. now i’m dying!
hey, i just ran across a great blog “the parenting passageway” and they had a post that reminded me of this recent post of yours re: sibling rivalry. thought i’d pass it on. http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/25/sibling-rivalry-and-fighting-how-much-to-intervene/
I have a memory like a steel iron trap. I am the youngest of two sisters. You have already received input about siblings but I’d like to add: When your children start to bicker back and forward, it’s important that, instead of asking them to quit talking and silencing any “but, but..”s. I highly recommend letting the antagonizer have their say, then allowing the other child to also have a say. I felt like my sister always said what she needed to say and I never got to defend myself. It caused a lot of frustration and our altercations became more violent on my behalf. You’re a good mother and that’s why I read your blog, I just wish that instead of, “i’m going to pull this car over and beat the tar out of you if you don’t shut up.” I heard, “i’m going to pull this car over and we can talk about this issue.”